You scour the menu for the cheapest item. Sure, the salmon sounds lovely but it’s far more than you want to spend. You mentally tot up all your outgoings until next payday – your partner’s birthday, the bill from the car garage, medicine for the dog. Even if you wanted to, it doesn’t look like you can pull the money from elsewhere. You kick yourself for not asking your friends if you can go to the cheaper but equally wonderful restaurant down the road. The fear of their judgement meant you didn’t say anything. It’s why you’re wincing at the prices at the moment. You go for the salad – merely because it’s the one thing you can afford without completely derailing your budget for the rest of the month. Does this sound familiar? You’re not alone.

Over on Instagram, I asked whether you felt you could be honest about money with your friends, and what’s stopping you from doing so. There were a few answers that popped up quite a few times:

• Our friends are not supportive when we do bring it up; with friends who never struggled with money being unable to understand what it means to do so.
• A few reported feeling a lack of empathy from our friends, feeling invalidated in how we feel and/or of our struggles. 
• Differences in salary earnings was a big factor too, with an expectation to do things we cannot afford. 
• A lot felt embarrassed and shame around their own circumstances, while others didn’t want to make other people feel bad when you’re in a more stable position or you know you earn more. 

So, how can we make our friendship groups more inclusive financially? I don’t think there is a ‘one size fits all’ answer and I certainly don’t have the solution but I’ve been thinking about ways this currently looks in some of my own friendships, and how we can make them better. 

Be open to talking about money in general

There’s a long-standing taboo when it comes to talking about money but having a space to do so creates more open dialogue about our personal circumstances. A friend recently mentioned how she noticed the cost of her solo breakfast date had nudged up quite a bit, to the point where it was no longer a regular treat like it used to be, and that she now much prefers entertaining friends at home than going for meals out. I shared similar concerns about grocery shopping. At no point did either of us delve into the specifics of our finances, and yet we were still able to get our respective points across.

These seemingly small snippets dropped into conversations told me I could chat about finances to this friend without judgement, or to suggest cheaper alternatives to any suggestions she might have when meeting up in the future. Her response was also a reminder that I could chat to her on a deeper level about money if and when I want to. (Thank you C, you’re one of the best).

Be upfront about how much something may cost

There have been so many times when I’ve responded with a ‘yes’ to an invite only to find later on down the line that it’s out of my budget. And yet, I didn’t feel comfortable backing out of the plans when I knew. 

With so many of us watching our spending and when every penny counts, I’m trying to be upfront about how much something may cost when it’s my turn to organise the next social event, and credit to my friends who do this so well already. That way, everyone can decide whether it’s something they can afford to participate in from the start and it avoids any potential feelings of embarrassment later on down the line, or worse, getting in a tricky financial situation because they didn’t feel as if they could decline the invitation. 

If it’s a cost we know already, great, share it at the point of asking if it’s something they’d like to do. But often it might be sending over a link to different restaurants’ menus when organising a meal out or creating an anonymous poll to get an idea of everyone’s budgets for more significant events like a weekend away. Yes, it’s slightly more legwork but one that I can only imagine is well received and appreciated. 

Get comfortable with saying “it’s not within my budget right now”

A lot of people cited that their feelings about their own circumstances stopped them from talking to their friends about money. I get it, and it’s totally valid, and something I have dealt with too. But being able to say “it’s not within my budget” will help you two-fold. Firstly, you won’t resent having to pay money towards something that was far more expensive than you wanted it to be or that you don’t have the money for, and secondly, you’ll recognise that there’s no shame or embarrassment in saying that. And remember: you don’t have to delve into your finances any more than you want to.

Something I’ve learned about my own friendship groups is that we have all had times when we’re being more mindful of our spending, but those times don’t always fully align. You might be watching the pennies at the moment because you’re saving for your three-month sabbatical abroad, and when things are finally easing off for you, your friend may say their budget’s tight because they’re saving for their wedding. Being respectful of other people’s “it’s not in my budget” moment will be something you’re glad you did when it’s your turn.

Understand that others may feel embarrassed about their own circumstances

Times are tough for us all, and even though most of us are impacted in some way, some are feeling the hit more than others. But from your responses to my Instagram story, a lot of you felt embarrassed about your circumstances compared to your friends. As someone who has also been one of the lowest paid in a friendship group, I get it. And while there should be no shame in this, having an empathetic friend can be a big difference in how we feel. It’s pretending not to notice when their card gets declined and being mindful that some may carry a different financial burden. It’s probably worth remembering that we rarely know someone’s true financial picture – their salary and debts as well as any helping hand they’ve had along the way.

Making a friendship group more inclusive of everyone’s finances cannot fall onto one person – it takes everyone to make it work. It might make you evaluate some of your friendships, or make you appreciate some even more. I loved to hear your thoughts on this too – feel free to message me over on Instagram if you have anecdotes you want to share, or ways you and your friends have been making things more financially inclusive.